When Your Job Defines You (and what to do about it)

Burnout has multiple sources and symptoms. At the core, we’re talking about an extreme degree of stress, usually work-related. But there’s one aspect of it that’s particularly insidious because, at least at first, it masquerades as an aspiration. I’m talking about the conflation of career identity with personal identity.

This post explores what it means to identify your whole self with your job or career, and the health and life consequences that can result. I also offer some tips for escaping this situation, re-defining your self, and reclaiming your worth- so you can live a happier life!

*TLDR: want to just read my tips for how to reclaim your identity and leave the stress and worry behind? Scroll to the end.

‘I work, therefore I am’: Why it’s a problem

I’ve decided to share my story related to work-self identity because there are a LOT of women who are going through or have gone through a similar experience. I started writing this in August 2021. I jotted down some ideas and let it sit. And then one day months later, I had a call with a potential client who described this very issue- “I feel like my job defines me”- as being at the root of her extreme stress. Coincidentally, that same day, the topic had come up in a Facebook group for people (like me) who’ve left or are trying to leave academia.

“My job defines me.”

“My career defines me.”

The universe was telling me something: Jen, it’s time for you to get your ideas out into the world.

I feel it’s especially important to bring light to this phenomenon because of the myriad negative outcomes that can result. Besides leading to a very limited vision and version of life, when your self-identity is deeply intertwined with your career, chronic stress, burnout, and a whole host of health problems can eventually result- problems like weight gain, exhaustion, poor sleep, headaches, even autoimmune conditions and metabolic syndrome. And figuring out how to get unstuck is not easy.

While this phenomenon of “I work, therefore I am” is widespread in our modern capitalist society, it’s particularly common among women who consider themselves ‘high achievers,’ which is more of a personality trait than an objective reflection of one’s level of educational attainment, career success, or job status.

Women who are intently focused on achieving are often trying to “follow their passion” and make an impact on the world. They’re goal oriented and tend to be perfectionists. In many ways, this is laudable. People who enjoy and are passionate about their work are more likely to excel at it. But the focus on achieving and passion is what can often lead one to equate their self (and self-worth) with their career role and success.

And when we allow our career or job to define us, we are engaging in a very narrow definition of self, and of self-worth. Make a mistake at work- even a small one- and it hits deep into your soul. Weather repeated hits like this and you’re on the road to burnout, or worse.

Can you relate?

My story: From passionate & Driven to burnt out

I remember a day when I was in the last year of my PhD program, I received a dreaded email: a research paper I’d worked on for countless hours and that was literally written through my blood, sweat, and tears, was rejected by a top journal in my field. I received the bad news while checking my email in the computer lab in the basement of Maxcy Hall, where the Brown University Sociology Department was housed. My heart sank, I immediately became sick to my stomach, and tears welled up in my eyes. Younger grad students surrounded me and I tried to figure out a quick exit so I could cry in peace. The whole thing was both devastating and humiliating.

It was devastating for a couple reasons, though. I’d been hoping to get that paper accepted for publication, and therefore strengthen my standing on the ultra-competitive tenure track job market. I knew that without it, I’d be hard pressed to get a job.

But it wasn’t just that my chances of getting a prestigious job had been dampened. It was that my own self-worth, even my reason for being, had taken a serious hit.

If I couldn’t be a sociology professor (particularly at an ‘R1’ top research university), if I couldn’t publish my work, and if my research was worthless (or if some revered scholars thought it was worthless), then I, too, must be worthless.

If my ideas weren’t good enough, then I, as a human being, was not good enough.

If my writing was uninspiring, then I was uninspiring.

If no one wanted to hire me, then no one would want me around for any other reason, either.

And if I couldn’t be excellent- the best- at sociology, then what else did I have to offer the world? Who could I be? …And how did I get here?

Talk about all-or-nothing thinking!

Today I can look back and see that throughout the process of obtaining my PhD, little pieces of me were gradually chipped away, rendering me the primary, almost singular identity of “sociologist”.

I write in the passive voice there for a reason- I’m not really sure who chipped away those pieces. Was it me? Did I do it of my own free will? Was I compelled? Was the metamorphosis from whole human to human-as-sociologist my own doing or was it the result of larger institutional and social forces? (hah, there’s some sociologizing for you… Stay with me.)

The real answer is complicated. I made my own choices, but the pressures to conform were intense.

The path from whole human to human-as-sociologist

Here’s what I know:

Before I started my PhD program, I was in amazing shape and excellent health. I loved running, swimming, going to the gym, and eating well. I felt great. I was getting into skiing, a sport I took up after college and absolutely LOVED. The summer before grad school, I grew an organic vegetable garden with my mom, and we enjoyed fresh leafy green salads. And, I backpacked through Guatemala for 6 weeks, just for the fun and adventure of it. Getting accepted into a prestigious PhD program where I could pursue my passion for learning about international development and other people and cultures was the cherry on top. I was high on life!

Grad school started, and while there were aspects of grad student life I absolutely loved, I was also introduced to an entirely new level of stress. Yes, I’d been stressed before. In fact, I lived in Haiti the year after graduating from college and had so much stress that I started missing periods and my hair was falling out (which I now recognize is a result of extreme stress leading to hormonal imbalance).

But PhD stress was a new phenomenon. And it was especially difficult because faculty and fellow competitive students pushed me to embrace the stress, work harder, and put more pressure on myself to excel while at the same time discouraging me from doing the things that would help me manage the stress of all that hard work (and actually excel).

I’m sure many of you, dear readers, have been subject to a similarly toxic work culture, unfortunately.

In my first year of the PhD, at least for the first couple of months, I thought I could maintain some work-life balance. I bought a season ski pass to the best mountains in New England, excited I could finally afford such a pass. I remember there weren’t even any blackout dates. I could ski all I wanted!!! But guess what? I didn’t ski even one day that winter. I was too busy reading and writing papers- and to a certain extent, I was glad to do so.

Speaking of sports, my exercise routine- which I loved- dropped from 5-6 days a week down to 3, and I’d usually find myself running laps at the indoor track at 11pm. Yes, you read that right, 11pm at night. Often, I’d return to the Sociology Department after that to continue working until the last call for “SafeRide”, at 2:45am. That was the free University transportation that would pick you up and escort you safely home after dark. I was getting to sleep at 3am (sometimes later) and waking at 9am or 10am.

My circadian rhythm was off, and I was extremely sleep deprived. I even developed a scary looking and unprecedented type of eczema all over my joints from the stress. But I was proud! I couldn’t believe how productive I had become. I was living the dream, becoming a PhD, doing what I’d always wanted… Or so I thought.

Besides skiing and exercise taking a backseat to my studies, so did old friends. My pre-grad school relationships suffered- some completely died off- because I didn’t have the time to maintain them. Lucky for me, my family didn’t ditch me. I was a first generation college student and my parents were happy just to see me succeeding at an Ivy League school, even if it meant they barely saw me.

I lived this dichotomous life for a while- dropping my hobbies and friends on the one hand, and walking around like an uber-productive zombie on the other hand. Thrilled that I was realizing my “passion”, but secretly worrying that I wasn’t “good enough” to be at Brown and that soon enough the faculty would realize that and kick me out of the program. Years later I realized there’s a term for that: imposter syndrome. But at the time, the prospect of abject failure felt 100% real and motivated me to drop everything else in my life for the sake of my passion.

Professors encouraged this behavior, and fellow grad students followed suit and encouraged one another to fall in line. If anything, it was something to bond over. I recall one late night in the sociology computer lab, a senior professor poked her head in and praised me and a couple other students for working our butts off at midnight on a Saturday. The lesson I took away from that moment? To be successful, I needed to work every day and every night. No breaks. That is what separates the winners from the losers, I thought.

This lifestyle went on for years. The only reprieve was the time I spent doing field research in Guatemala. I still got work done but my life was more balanced and less stressed. I loved spending time in Guatemala. I ate healthy, practiced yoga every day, and developed relationships there. It began to feel like a second home to me, one where I could really be myself.

Still, back at Brown my advisors were telling me that the best dissertation would need to be a “cross-national comparative study”. So I crafted an ambitious research plan that would require at least 12 months of fieldwork, split between Guatemala and Bolivia. And I won prestigious federal funding from multiple sources to carry it out.

But after a few months researching in Guatemala, I didn’t want to go to Bolivia. I was content in Guatemala, and I’d had a difficult time in Bolivia in the past (long story). I re-structured my project to make it work in Guatemala, and informed my dissertation committee. Finally after years of toeing the line I’d made a decision and set a boundary! It was empowering.

However, one of my dissertation committee members- the one who was the most senior and well respected- didn’t like my decision and refused to continue advising me.

I realized then that I wasn’t a real person to her, just a research project that was no longer good enough to support. And not only did I have to live down that rejection in front of all my peers, I also had to find a professor willing to join my dissertation committee when I was nearly done with the project (in short, it wasn’t easy).

The lesson learned this time? Setting boundaries and making a decision for my own well-being (not just for the good of my dissertation) would be punished. Trying to establish work-life balance would be punished. Trying to to have an identity other than sociologist would be punished.

I didn’t realize then, but looking back, this was a turning point for me.

I’d reached the point where I wasn’t willing to continue conforming for the sake of passion and success. I was definitely not going to quit, but I no longer would accept a life solely focused on sociology. I had to put ‘me’ back together somehow!

The rest of the story of how I finished my PhD, completely burnt myself out, hit rock bottom in body and mind, and then crawled back up again… well, that will have to come another day.

Suffice it to say that I will always be sociologist, but I’m also a person. I have hobbies. I love surfing, I love cooking and nutrition and other nerdy healthy stuff. I love being active and living near the ocean. I love connecting with friends. And I love spending time with people I love: my parents, my partner Rob, and his kids. I’m a well-rounded person now.

What to do if you see yourself in my story

I didn’t become a well-rounded person overnight, and if I’m being honest, it’s not a destination but an ongoing journey. I’m just one of those overachievers who loves to get enmeshed with her work. But since I’ve already lived through the struggle of defining myself through my job and all the heartache and health problems it caused, I’m now more self-aware of when I’m investing too much time, energy and thought into work. I make a conscious choice now to take breaks and enjoy life.

If you’re feeling that your job defines you, whether you’re close to burning out or you’re already there, here are some ideas to help you start to take back your life, your identity, and your worth.

1. Get clear about your values

   This can take some thought and maybe some journaling, but you’ll be glad you did it. Dig deep and answer for yourself: what do you value most in life? Write it all down. Choose your top 5 values. Now look at how you spent your time over the past week. How much time do you devote to the things or people you MOST value? How could you adjust your life (and your work life) to spend more time and energy on the things you value the most?

2. Set clear boundaries with work

   Do you take your work home with you? If you work from home, are you setting clear working hours or do you answer emails at night and on the weekends? If the lines between your work and personal life are blurred, start setting some boundaries. Establishing your hours of availability can be a good place to start. And many others will respect you for doing so. But also explore if there are additional ways you can set boundaries at work. This of course can differ depending on what sort of work you do, but maybe you can set boundaries in terms of the types of projects you agree take on, whether you’ll allow people to come into your office when you’re in the middle of things, the amount of time you take to respond to emails, communicating your needs to your boss, and more.

3. Enjoy your hobbies

   So you’ve decided you no longer want your job to define you. Cool. Then what else are you about? Hobbies are a good place to start. Did you used to love gardening but dropped it for your career? Then choose to take it back up in whatever way you can. Have you completely forgotten what you love to do outside of work? Then this can be a great adventure! Start experimenting with new activities. It could be anything- cooking, reading for pleasure, bowling, photography. Just do something that is only for you and gets your brain working and body moving in new ways.

4. Invest in your relationships

   Relationships are another important part of a well-rounded, fulfilling life. So if yours have taken a back seat to your career for a while, then why not try to reconnect with old friends and family, or start making new connections? This can be difficult at first, so just decide on a simple action step to get the ball rolling. For example, maybe you’ll choose to call one friend each week, and write that down into your calendar as a non-negotiable task. Connecting with other humans outside of the work environment can help you begin to see yourself as much more than your job.

5. Let go of the guilt

   Do you feel guilty when you’re enjoying yourself instead of checking your email or working on that report that’s due next week? It’s easier said than done, but letting go of guilt and allowing yourself some scheduled downtime can go a long way. If this is seriously challenging to you, try journaling on these questions: How is this guilt serving me? What do I get out of it? How does it NOT serve me? If I take time off from work, what are the possible consequences? What’s the best case scenario? What’s the worst case scenario? How likely is it that the worst case scenario will come true? Sometimes letting go of the ‘I should be working’ guilt requires we look inside and be very honest with ourselves about the role that feeling plays in our lives.

Finally, know that quitting really is an option.

We grow up with this idea that quitting is not an option. It’s for losers. And you won’t get anywhere in life if you quit. But there’s a difference between quitting at the first sign of a challenge and quitting a toxic career or work environment that’s making you increasingly unhappy, maybe even physically sick, and does not align with your values. To be clear, quitting is not the first option (see points 1-5 above), but it is a valid option.

There is no shame in quitting. However, particularly in careers that require a high degree of education and extensive training, quitting can feel very difficult, even when a rational look at the costs and benefits of staying in your current position is not to your favor.

Economists call this the sunk cost fallacy. It’s this phenomenon where someone will continue doing something that brings them pain or discomfort, and that is likely to bring more pain and discomfort, for the sheer fact that they’ve already invested what feels like a considerable amount of time, money, or both.

Example: I invested 7 years of time and lost potential income completing my PhD, but it took an additional four years of pretty solid unhappiness till I could finally pull the plug and move on to the next chapter of my life.

This may not apply to your situation, but if you’re in a job or career where the evidence suggests that it’s not a good idea to stay, but you do stay, then ask yourself why. Maybe even get an outside objective perspective on it. Are you staying because of sunk costs? What would happen if you left? Only you can answer these questions, but they are worth considering.

Last thought- if you can relate to this article, you’re simply burnt out with work, and you don’t know what to do, then let’s talk. I help high achieving women with burnout because I’ve been there and come out the other side.

Click here to book a free Burnout Breakthrough Chat.

When we talk, I’ll ask you some questions about what’s going on in your health and life, we’ll get clear on where you want to go, and even diagnose the patterns that have led you to this place of burnout. And if it seems like we’re a good fit to work together, I’ll tell you about my private coaching program, THRIVE.