The Key To Reversing Burnout: Boundaries
I’m letting you in on a little secret: if you want to reverse burnout, free up more hours in your week, and take control of your health and life, setting clear and consistent boundaries is an absolute requirement. Of course, it’s easier said than done!
In this post I cover what exactly boundaries are, why you need them, where and with whom you probably need them, and how to get started figuring out your boundaries.
What is boundary setting?
First, let’s define some terms. What does it mean to set boundaries? It’s actually pretty simple.
Setting boundaries is the process of:
1) Clarifying what you’re willing to ACCEPT and NOT ACCEPT in your life when it comes to work, family and home life, friends and relationships, and so much more.
and then…
2) Living by your own rules.
It could be as simple as deciding that you won’t go out with friends when you’re exhausted. And then sticking to that decision and communicating it to others.
At work, it might mean answering emails only between the hours of 9am-5pm- and removing work email from your phone.
Or maybe it means that the first hour of each day is reserved for you to do whatever you want- read, exercise, eat breakfast in silence- and that you’re not available to others via phone, email or in-person during that time.
Bottom line, boundaries look different for everyone.
Boundaries are vital for your health and Your happiness In Life
If I think about women I know who are healthy and happy in body, mind, and spirit I can identify quite a few things they have in common:
✔️ They eat nutritious food.
✔️ They move their bodies regularly.
✔️ They make time to manage stress.
✔️ They’re careful about the social circle and the close relationships they invest in.
But what comes along with all of that?
BOUNDARY SETTING. It’s the foundation for everything.
Establishing firm boundaries allows you to spend your time doing the things that matter most to you.
Boundaries help you fill your life with people who energize you and make you feel better about yourself. And in a general sense, setting firm boundaries and upholding them consistently can cut down on stress and overwhelm, give you more mental and emotional energy, and increase your overall happiness with your life.
Basically, boundaries are the key to your happiness.
Some of my coaching clients come to me knowing that they need to get better at setting boundaries so they can feel less stressed and make space for their health, their loved ones, and enjoying life.
Others hold a clear vision for themselves- maybe walking every morning, cooking healthy meals, or sleeping a full 8 hours each night- but they don’t yet know how they’re going to achieve those goals alongside all their other obligations. They need to set boundaries, too.
The truth is, you only have so much energy and time each day. Spending time on one activity always means forgoing something else you could have been doing during that time. Sounds obvious, but it’s one of those things most people rationally know to be true, but irrationally act as if it doesn’t apply to them.
Saying “yes” to one thing always means saying “no” to another.
Over-committing yourself can lead to overwhelm, stress, and anxiety- especially when you’re committing to activities or people that don’t really light you up.
Getting HONEST with yourself about how much time and energy you have available, and then organizing your life and activities according to those limits, will cut down on stress and leave you feeling calm and in-control.
Now wouldn’t that feel amazing?!
Let’s say you want to have more energy so you can be productive at work and still have energy to give to your family in the evening. To do that you want to eat better by cooking more meals at home and ordering takeout less often. You know that will take some time and effort on your part, especially in the beginning.
In this case, setting boundaries might require that you identify and prioritize the activities that will help you to eat nutritious, home-cooked meals. At the same time, you may need to cut out some other activities that had been consuming your time, even though people around you might be affected.
(That’s the big challenge with boundary setting- you need to get comfortable with potentially disappointing others. I say “potentially” because you’ll probably overestimate the degree to which others will be disappointed when you tell them “no”)
Some areas of life where you might set boundaries
Setting boundaries is going to look different for each person. But here are some ways you might do it:
Saying “yes” to too many things.
File this one under “people pleasing”. When you obligate yourself to too many people, you may find yourself with precious little time to care for your own needs. Setting boundaries here might look like saying “NO” more often.
Work relationships, including the scope and parameters of your job itself.
Examples: Not answering emails or work-related phone calls or texts after 5pm or on weekends. Being clear with your colleagues or supervisor(s) that you won’t be available after hours. Speaking up for yourself when you’re being pressured to take on tasks that don’t excite you, aren’t part of your job description, and don’t advance your career.
Staying in relationships that drain your energy and leave you feeling stressed or upset.
Some relationships can really take a lot out of you. Toxic romantic relationships. Or a certain friend who’s always unloading all her problems on you- but not really supporting you when you need it. Or family members who always seem to ‘test’ you by bringing up topics that push your buttons.
In all of these situations, you have a choice of how to react. Even with family! For example, you can tell your friend you’ll listen to her complain for only five minutes. If necessary, you can even distance yourself from toxic family members.
At home, with your partner or children.
Let’s say that you want to eat better for your health, but you worry that your partner and/or children won’t like the food you are cooking. (By the way, this is a common worry among many women). You’ve got a choice. You can throw up your hands and give up your healthy eating goals. Or you can set a boundary, decide that you’re going to eat healthfully, and find a solution so that the rest of the family still eats. Maybe that means your partner will cook their own meals, for example. (Or maybe, to your surprise, your family will like your new recipes).
In sum, there are many ways that you may need to set boundaries in your life so that you can focus on your physical and emotional health.
Clarifying and setting boundaries is one of the most challenging kinds of work that I do with women in my private burnout recovery coaching program, THRIVE. It often involves a lot of deep digging into your values and goals, and getting honest about what’s kept you from setting those boundaries in the first place. It takes stepping outside your comfort zone a bit! If you want to learn more about how I can help you with it, click here to sign up for a free Burnout Breakthrough Chat.
And if you’re ready to try boundary-setting on your own, below are some ideas to get you started…
How to get started setting boundaries
Rule number one: Setting boundaries is about you, not others.
Yes, other people in your life will be impacted by your boundaries. But ultimately, this is about you, not them.
Setting boundaries is really an internal process that you go through, where you get clarity on:
Your core values
Your most important goals
How you want to be treated by others
How you refuse to be treated
How you want to feel, inside and out
How you want to live your life
That last one’s important. All boundary-setting really is about is you getting clear with yourself about what kind of life you want to live, and then just doing it. You don’t always need to tell someone “This is my boundary:_______”. You just need to live it.
Are you ready to set better boundaries?
The first step to setting better boundaries is recognizing that you need to do it. So if you’ve gotten that far, give yourself a hug!
Then, get out your journal or a piece of paper and doing some self-reflection on the bullet points above.
What are your core values?
What’s most important to you in life?
What’s most important to you right now?
And so on. Just free write everything that comes into your mind. Once you get clear on the answers to those key questions then you can start identifying changes you need to make in your daily life to achieve those desires. That’s where the work of boundary setting comes in.
